The Suburban Dad

Skype saves the day for long-distance families

When my wife and I got married, we traded our long-distance relationship (My wife's originally from Toronto and I'm the one who's from Vancouver.) with long-distance families.  After getting married, the distance between my wife and I got smaller, but our life doesn't just begin and end with us.  

Making sure our son gets to know his grandparents and aunt and uncles from Toronto is very important.  We've been fortunate in the last year and a half that my wife's family have been able to travel to Vancouver quite often and also us to Toronto.  This past Christmas was special since we were able to spend it with both sides of our family and extended family here in Vancouver.  Each opportunity our son gets to spend time with his Toronto family is very special as each visit is really an 'event' (as visits were to my wife and I while we were dating - 17 cities over 3 years).    

Even on my side of the family, my dad's sister and my grandmother are living in the Philippines.  My mom's whole family (5 brothers and sisters and their children), my grandparents are all living in LA.  She's the only one here.  My mom-in-law's brothers and their families are all in the US as well.  She's the only one here in Canada.  Visits sometimes can be few and far between. 

Any form of communication or contact becomes essential when in any form of long-distance relationships. Email, cellphones, Facebook all become portals of communication to share stories and memories of each other.  Lately, my wife's parents discovered Skype and are having Skype dates with our son.  It's great since he gets to see them and interact with them even if it is only in video form.  It's great that he understands that it's his grandparents on the screen.  Even for a short time, they can share a moment with our son seeing the sparkle in his eye.  

Skype saves the day for long-distance families.  Hoping they would invent that Star Trek teleport in reality already.  

Instead of gaining 10lbs this holiday season, donate 10lbs worth of food to your local food bank.

Charity in its modern definition means to give help those who are in need.  During the holidays, many charitable organizations are out there asking for our help - the Salvation Army, the food banks, the toy drives, to name a few. Many of us generously give our time and resources to help especially during this time of year.

When I think about what we are abundant of as a society, I think about food.  As much as I think that we don't have a lot in terms of disposable income to spend on stuff and entertainment, we always have an abundance of food.  My family is never hungry to the point of desperation.

This holiday season, let's donate to our local food bank.  As we all try not to gain an extra 10lbs by the new year, let's just give 10lbs of food instead.

'Ohana' mean family

From Wikipedia:

Part of Hawaiian culture, ohana means family in an extended sense of the term including blood-related, adoptive or intentional. It emphasizes that family are bound together and members must cooperate and remember one another.

Some of you may recognize the word from the movie Lilo and Stitch. - "Ohana means family - no one gets left behind."

Today was one of those days when everything seemed to pile on top of each other.  Being the dad (maybe some of you other dads can relate), you have the tendency to want to 'fix' things.  I think it's a guy thing to do.  Ironically, most of the time, my wife says that there really isn't much 'fixing' that needs to be done. 

I remembered the quote from Lilo and Stitch as I thought about what to share today.  I know - I'm taking perspective from a kid's movie. But seriously, the 'no one gets left behind part' speaks volumes to how I feel most of the time being a 'dad'.  You don't want anything to be left behind -- not your marriage, not your child, not your professional life, and most especially not your family life.  Most days feel like a puzzle as you try to fit all the pieces together. 

I just need to take a deep breath.

Life isn't perfect but there's always a reason to celebrate!

Last night, my family and friends, surprised me with 30th birthday bash.  My wife said that a surprise party is the only way they can throw a party for me.  She's right.  I would never plan my own party. 

 

My nickname is Benjie.  Apparently, the person at the bakery thought by name was Ben "G' hence the Beng on the cake.  I can't describe turning 30 any better than this cake - Life may not be perfect but there's always a reason to celebrate.

Thank you to my wonderful wife, my family and friends who shared my special day.

People then Money then Things

Suze Orman (the resident crazy blonde financial guru of America) has certainly got one thing right:

"People then money then things"

Sure, we all have financial priorities but when push comes to shove, people should always come first.  When there's an opportunity to be there for a loved one -- you take it.  If there's a will there will always be a way.  

How Silly We Were Then

How silly we were back then. This picture was taken circa 2005.  Funny enough that we all wore green that night (seriously, we did not call each other to coordinate). Gone are the days, when you can just call and just hang out - in this case - go for late night all you can eat sushi.  It's a bit harder too since one lives in Winnipeg, the other in Toronto, and I live in Vancouver. 

John (far left) fell in love with a lovely woman from Winnipeg.  So he moved there to be with her. Butch (middle) is really from Toronto but he lived in Vancouver for a couple of years earlier in the decade.  You're older now when you can say - earlier in this decade.

John and his wife recently had a very adorable baby girl who is just over a week old as I write this.  Butch and his wife have an equally adorable 9 month old girl.  For those of you following this blog, my wife and I have our 15 month old son. 

I'm not really sure what the point is of this post.  But seeing this picture just reminds me how far we've come in each of our individual lives.  Today, we are all family men - living the dream with all the highs and lows that come with it.
 

And You're The Next Contestant on the Price is Right!

Dreams are dreams. No matter how small or big, fun or life-changing.  Today I witnessed my friend Debbie fulfill one of her dreams of being on the Price is Right!.

You can totally see the 'glee' and sheer jubilation on her face as she raced down the aisle to take her spot at the front.  She lost the bid in the first go-around by a $1.  In her second attempt to get on the stage, as everyone seemed to overbid on a full-sized wine fridge, she fearlessly bid $1 for it.  Her bet paid off and she WON!  I don't know what she's going to do with a full-sized wine fridge though. But we were so happy for her!

With her bright red 'Made in the Philippines' shirt and glasses, her personality shone through like we knew it would.  Drew Carey (with his amazingly terrible haircut) looked like he was just trying to keep up with her. It really made our day to see our friend just be herself on worldwide television!  In the end, she didn't win the big prize but she sure won over the hearts of all of the people who love her all over again (maybe even won over some new 'hearts').

Watching Debbie today made me think, if my kid wanted to be on the Price is Right or had some other 'silly' dream he thought of, I hope I don't shoot him down.  Let his Auntie Debbie be his inspiration to run after all his 'silly' dreams! 

Why Kids Lie?

Chapter 4 of NurtureShock talks about Why Kids Lie? 

For parents it asks the question: '"How important is the virtue of honesty and truthfulness in our own lives?"  Remember those times when you told a little white lie to that telemarketer that called when you just got home from work? We all have done it but is it really acceptable if we really value the virtue of honesty. 

One of the main points of the book is that kids learn lying from us.  According to the book, children only discern that the information is incorrect.  They have a hard time discerning intent.  Those white lies we inadvertently say to avoid conflict in social situations have a greater effect on kids than we think.

For the most part, young kids lie for the following reasons: self-preservation, fear of punishment, and to please. The book gives many examples of each.

I found lying to please an interesting point.  In the chapter, it says that when kids lie, giving them immunity to tell truth isn't enough (taking away the fear of punishment).  They still would lie because they want to make you happy. Young kids think, "My parent really wishes I didn't do it in the first place; if I say I didn't, that's my best chance of making my parent happy."

The better approach when catching you kids at a lie is to say to them "I will not be upset with you that you lied, and if you tell the truth, I will be really happy."  This way they know that they won't get in trouble and that they'd be in your good graces again.  I guess the point is, your emphasizing that it's good to tell the truth.

This is a bit of a complex topic to over simplify.  I just remember all those times when I caught my then little sister lying to me and how I reacted.  I probably just instilled the fear of punishment in her.   Certainly the points in the book has given me something to think about when the time comes that my son learns to lie.  Yikes...

Am I starting to become a 'praise junkie'?

As an early 30th birthday present, my dad gave me this book yesterday - NurtureShock.  He like to give books so I didn't really pay much attention to it as I've never heard of the book before.

On the train today, I read the first chapter "The Inverse Power of Praise".  Upon finishing the chapter, I asked myself, "Am I starting to become a praise junkie?" My wife and I do try to be as encouraging and reinforce positive behaviour by praising.  Our son is only 15 months old and I'm sure his head isn't as big as a Goodyear blimp because of the 'praise' he's received.  The chapter just brought to light the power of praise on both the possible negative and positive effects on our son.

Our children are so special to each parent's eyes that we think they're the most- ____________  (insert your favorite adjective here) in the world.  When does it become too much?

The main thing I took away from the chapter is that we have to 'praise' with context - for trying, for hard work, for trying to master a skill, for never giving up.  Praising for the sake of praising is really not useful for anyone. Children can tell if you are sincere or just saying 'hot air'.  They start taking for granted the value of perseverance and hard work.

The chapter is certainly coming from both a common-sense and academic view point.  It's certainly a very interesting read and there's a lot more I haven't conveyed. 

I'll be sharing the rest of my reflections on the succeeding chapters of this book.

Here's a link to an ABC News feature on the subject.

Try Again in 2010?

A very good friend of ours is visiting for a few days.  Like ourselves, him and his wife, are new parents with a beautiful 8-month old baby girl.  Just catching up in the last few days, he mentioned that next year's theme for them is "TRY AGAIN in 2010" - meaning to start having their 2nd baby.

In 2008, the year they got married - their theme was - "Let's Consummate in 2008".

This year, when their daughter was born it was - "Everything's fine in 2009!".

So next year it might be Let's Try Again in 2010.

It's funny that when first get married, everyone's asking you when's the baby coming?  When the first baby is born, when is the 2nd one coming? But, how do you even really decide how to space your pregnancy? Sometimes, the 2nd or even the 3rd comes without any real planning.  

The question that lingers in the background between my wife and I is will we also try again in 2010?  We both want at least a sibling for our son.  We don't want the kids to be too far apart.  But, I don't think we're ready (haha I can't really fully speak for my wife.). 

Life is really just starting to normalize again - but norms always change. My wife and I got pregnant 20 days after our wedding day.  It might be some sort of world record (haha).  I think we'll be better prepared if a second one does come.  Right now, I know can list a dozen reasons why not to have a 2nd baby yet but who knows what the heavens has planned for us.... We sure didn't plan to have our first baby so soon (or maybe we really did).